Swapped

May 31st, Dan came in with me to Dr. Ferguson's office to determine what shape and size of implants I was going to get in exchange for taking out my expanders.  He measured me and identified a few implants that would fit in the pocket that the expanders had formed.  It was a tough decision between the Natrelle and Sientra when I was holding both in my hands.  I liked how the Natrelle kept their shape since they were so stiff.  The Sientra were more maleable.  It was hard to decide just by holding the implants, but once we looked at what sizes and shapes were actually available to fit into my 390cc expander-filled cavity, we settled upon the Sientra 425 cc tear shaped.  The size was slim and not too oval so as to spill over into my underarm area.  Dr. Ferguson was thinking a little smaller, but I pushed a little.  He said he felt comfortable trying the 425s and would have the smaller implants on hand just in case.

When I tell inquirers what size, they often think that 425 is a lot, because normally if someone kept their breast tissue, it would be a good amount.   Since I only have a thin layer of skin with no tissue, 425 ccs is actually not that large.  It's about the size of when I was breast feeding my littles.  (Sometimes I look at mothers who are still breastfeeding and get that little nudge of sadness that I will not be having any more littles.  My baby is almost 2 years old now!  I am so grateful for the four beautiful children that Dan and I are blessed to care for.)

June 20, 2013, I went into surgery at Intermountain Medical Center with Dr. Ferguson and Travis, his PA.  The nurses and anesthesiologist were so nice.  I was originally told to come in at 3:15pm, but then they called to ask me to come in at 2:00.  We were vacuuming and cleaning the car, when my oldest daughter went into the house for a drink and popped out to tell us the hospital had called.  We finished up the cleaning, loaded up the van with bags for the kids to stay with Nana and Papa and headed out.  We didn't make it at exactly 2:00, but arrived shortly after.  When we sat down with the pager to check in, the magazine on the table beside me was a Time magazine with Angelina Jolie on the cover.
                                          
I read a little about her experience before I was paged to check in.  We went back where I dressed into my hospital gown, puffy shorts, socks and hair net. 

Dr. Ferguson came in to speak with us and give me instructions for post-op care.  I was to keep the compression bra on for 3 days.  Then I could take it off and shower for 10 minutes only so as not to soak the area too much.  I am supposed to wear the compression bra for a while longer.  I cannot move my arm at the shoulder, only at the elbows.  So I kind of feel like a Tyrannasaurus Rex with stubby little arms.  It's important that I keep the breast area still.  I cannot drive for 2 weeks.  After 2 weeks, we'll start working on arm movement. The nurse gave me an incentive spirometer to breathe in on the tube 10 times an hour after surgery to prevent pneumonia.  Then she started my IV line.  The Anesthesiologist came in to talk with me and ask questions about allergies... then I kissed Dan goodbye and he led me off to the operating room.  As I was leaving with him, I mentioned how intriguing anesthesiology is and "it's so amazing, I don't know how it works..."  He jokingly said to Dan..."Neither to I".  As we walked to the OR, we talked about how he knows all about the chemistry, but nowhere has he ever determined how nitrous oxide was discovered in the first place.

Dr. Ferguson and Travis, his PA were at the OR waiting for me.  They and the nurses were suiting up as I laid on the table.  They strapped my arms down to the cross extensions from the bed and the anesthesiologist started dripping in the good stuff.  "Before I go, I just want to thank you all...."  It's absolutely amazing that there is technology to put you to "sleep" enough not to wake up, despite being cut and poked and pulled, until they decide it's time for you to wake up.

I was opening one eye at a time when I was being awaken by the nurse.  It was hard to stay awake and I just wanted to sleep.  My Dad came by to talk with me and hold my hand for a bit.  It was so nice to see him and be with him.  I am so grateful that he is living close by.  He told me that he had been praying for me and that he knows Mom was with me. 

It's still impossible to me that my mother is gone.  I know I saw her waste away to nothing over the early months of this year.  I know that I saw her body lying in her bed after her spirit was no longer dwelling in it.  I know I love her so much and I'm so grateful for her strength and energy and love.  I know that I am learning how much I take time for granted.  I know that I need to love my babies even more and be a better mom to them, to model being a good mother so that they will learn to be good mothers.  I know I need to be more patient and take the moments to enjoy their little spirits and the happiness and natural goodness that they always want to share with me.

I feel the pain a bit, but waking up after this surgery was so much easier than waking up after the mastectomy!  The pain is bearable.  It's uncomfortable and I know it will subside soon.  I am excited to see what the implants look like after 3 days when I can finally take off this compression bra.  I trust Dr. Ferguson will have done a wonderful job reconstructing my breasts.  What a wonderful gift to help me continue on with nice looking breasts.  What a wonderful gift from Dr. Teresa Reading to help me reduce my cancer risk from 87% to 5%.  What a wonderful gift for my mother to urge me forward despite her circumstances so that we could share in a little of this journey while she was still alive.  So that she could see that her choice to be tested and her strength to have a double mastectomy gave me strength to make this choice that could prevent a lot of tears and fear. 

I still fear the possibility of breast cancer and peritoneal cancer...and lung and brain that both Mom and Theresa had.  But I have done all that I can to do all that I can.  I'll still need to monitor, and I am not sure all that I need to do to monitor.  I'm going to set up an appointment with an oncologist to get his insights as to what I need to do going forward.

I feel like I am closer to getting back to "normal". I feel blessed to know about my BRCA2 gene mutation.

I am grateful for skilled surgeons, for wonderful friends who have brought me meals, watched my children and cleaned my bathrooms.  I am grateful for a loving and supportive husband and siblings and for darling, understanding children.