Monday, August 26, 2013

Fear

I am so grateful to my mother who encouraged me to go forward with my mastectomy and reconstruction despite all that was going on towards the end of her life.  I had her strength with me while she was alive through the beginning of this process and I carry her spirit of courage with me through the final stages of my surgeries and recovery and forever.  I am grateful that she was able to be here with me in the beginning of the process so that she could see that her daughter(s) and granddaughters will have a really good chance at preventing these cancers that took so much of her time and life.
 
I thought that with the preventative surgeries that I had, that I would feel such absolute relief...and I do feel that I have done all that I can to hopefully not have to go through the cancer process...
BUT there is always the fear that I will be going through this same cycle that my mother and her side of the family has gone through.  On the practical side, I feel like I have a chance.  Reducing my risk from 87% of getting breast cancer over and over to 5% is really encouraging.  On the other hand...that 5% lingers above me, around me and in the back of my head.
 
I think that I would have felt a lot calmer about my risk reduction if my mother was still alive.  When she died this spring, I felt so vulnerable.  Mom had been through cancer three times before and lived through it, despite some really difficult things to endure (like chemo, radiation, ports and large scars across her entire chest).  But Mom was alive and was showing me that "Breast Cancer doesn't have to take you away". 
 
This fourth and last time... it was cancer... EVERYWHERE.  I didn't even realize that it's not necessarily the cancer that kills you.  The drugs she was taking reduced her appetite to nothing.  Even when she was hungry, she often didn't eat because she couldn't bear to thow-up...again.  She felt nauseous all of the time.  So ultimately, the last months of her life, Mom fought feelings of hunger and nauseousness and chose not to eat food because it was so uncomfortable for her when she did eat.  She starved away to nothing.  Every day she would insist on getting out of bed by herself and walking to the bathroom as a measuer and self-test of her strength.  Eventually she would fall, but still she would try as she battled the fact that she was getting weaker.  Mom stayed in her bed for most of the time during her decline.   She would try to go downstairs to sit on the recliner, but eventually that was too difficult.  Even moving hurt her body.  As her body lay under her bedsheets, her frame became more and more thin until I couldn't even believe it... just bones and skin.  My father is an incredible man.  He took care of my mother so well in the last months and days of her life.  The home-nurse even told me that she's never seen any husband continue to care for his wife like my Dad did.  She was impressed with how he "preserved her dignity". 
 
Now that my Mother has passed, I catch myself feeling the fear of death like I never have before in my life.  Of course, since my Mom's first breast cancer when I was in 8th grade, I have felt that fear in my heart... but now it's even more.  I worry about my children.  I worry about my husband.  I play scenarios in my mind..."What if"...."What would I do or how can I make sure I have everything in place and prepared for my husband and children to make it easier if I die?"..."How would I be able to emotionally take care of my other children and our life if one of my babies died?"..."How could I handle the sadness if my husband dies?"
 
It's not all consuming and it doesn't prevent me from living life and it's not in the forefront of my thoughts every minute... but I feel the pressure of it "in the back of my head" just above my neck radiating forward and I feel my chest tighten from a million strings pulling tightly.  Right now it is with me.  I think it will always be.  My Mother is not here to show me physically that everything will be alright and that I will be able to live to raise my babies until they have babies.  That is really what I want.  To enjoy life with my husband...to enjoy our children and grandchildren together.
 
Maybe that is the gift that I will have.
 
Love you, Mom.

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