I was just unloading the dishwasher and trying to "feel" my girlie parts inside of me. Will I notice that they aren't there after Thursday? I guess all of my other organs just fill in the empty space. Interesting...
On Monday, I went into Salt Lake for a dental visit to fill a cavity. I think the experience left me with a stuffy nose and sore throat and I hope that I'll be able to have the procedure on Thursday. I called the office and they said to gargle with salt water and that if I do get a fever, then I can't have the procedure done.
After the dentist, I was in a dress so I could slip into the temple and share my heart with Heavenly Father. I pulled into the empty parking lot...this could be why I haven't attended the temple on a Monday. The temple was closed. I pulled into a parking stall and knelt in the back of my van, resting my elbows up on the bench. I felt like I needed to do everything that I could to make the effort to know that this was the right time to close the opportunity to have children.
This morning in the shower, I wept again...frightened, thinking about another little James that we aren't going to have. "It's okay...it's okay...it's okay..." I tell myself outloud to comfort the hurt.
It's such a tug-of-war with time. Dan said that he doesn't want to be the one to influence my decision either way because the results of both decisions are so great. Either I have the surgery now and we close the door on having more children, or we wait to do the surgery and things could be fine...or I could get cancer. It seems like I've been so lucky so far.
My body has worked perfectly for me all through my life. What a huge blessing. I've been healthy and athletic, been strong with little sickness. I've been able to bear four wonderful children. It seems almost CRAZY that I would interrupt this great blessing of health. Early menopause, night sweats, hot flashes, mood swings, inability to sleep at night...These are the trade offs I take for peace of mind. Seems like a lot. But, I am obviously trying to avoid cancer, the worse of all of these inconveniences.
I appreciate the love that my friends and family are showing in abundance...phone calls, running errands or taking on tasks for me, bringing meals and caring for my children. I can't believe that I won't be able to lift James for almost 6 weeks. This seems impossible! It's difficult to let James live with NanaPapa for this next week. Thank goodness they are willing; it would be impossible for me to care for him. It seems the timing is premature with such a little one still at home, but when is the time right? Racing the clock. I'm so grateful for these little people.
I pray that I'll be normal-ish and not on constant mood swings. I want so much to enjoy the time I have with our children and with Daniel.
I spoke with a woman on the phone while I sat in the temple parking lot. She had so many girlie problems that after two children at age 28, she had all of her girlie parts removed. She also talked about "what if" she were able to have more, but is so grateful for her two children. It hurt my heart, but helped me see that I'm not the only one who grieves this loss.
She did encourage me to stay positive and remember that no matter what side effects, I'm doing this to be with my family. I have to remember to actively CHOOSE to enjoy the time I have with my family. I can CHOOSE to be pleasant, loving and kind at all times. I CHOOSE to be grateful for this BRCA2 knowledge. I CHOOSE to stay positive and get beyond the side effects and LIVE MY LIFE! OUR LIFE!
I wish you luck with your surgery. You will do great, I know it!!! My two cents is this ;), I am almost 52, just went through menopause and I will say, there are moments of hell. I won't lie. Took me about 5-6 years to get all the way through it. I did have mood swings, lots of crying, sweats. I didn't have the inability to sleep though. Let me just say that it's not ALL bad. it's moments. and then they pass. and before you know it, it's over. Time flies. and like you said, you're doing this to be with your family. This will make you feel empowered over all this crap we have to go through. It sucks to make these decisions, but you're making the decision to be strong, in control, to live for your family. A gift they will appreciate forever. and when it's all over, you will have this great appreciation for life. You will see things differently. Good luck my friend. Can't wait to hear everything went well. I'll be thinking of you.
ReplyDelete